Just One of Those Days

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess for He who promised is faithful. - Hebrews 10:23

Do you ever have those days (and if you are human, I am sure you do) when you just feel like nothing is going your way? That's how I felt this weekend. Actually, it's how I have felt for the last year.

After we sold our van Saturday morning, we headed out in search of a new one. Well, not exactly new, but new to us. We needed something with lower mileage because we want to keep traveling back and forth to Alabama, more frequently, if possible. We always liked to go before, but since everything that has happened (losing Cain and the stress of that), it's made us realize even more how important it is to be close to family, and if we can't live close, then to see them as much as possible. It's therapeutic, and it gives Coop a chance to see his grandparents more which is great.
Anyway, before I got off on that sideline, I was saying that we wanted something with lower mileage. We had test driven a van the week before, but since we hadn't sold ours, we didn't want to purchase anything.  So Saturday morning, we set out to do several things, among those, purchasing a new van.  However, before we could head to the dealership, we had to stop off and do our taxes, which wasn't a fun experience. Taxes never are, but when you have to recount the loss of your child, and come face to face with his birth certificate again just to prove to the government that he is considered a child, it can be emotionally draining. Anyway, we left the tax office and headed directly to sign the Bill of Sale with the purchasers of our (then) current van.  Needless to say, it was early afternoon before we arrived at the dealership.

When we walked in the door, we learned that the van we really wanted was sold a little earlier in the day.  I started to get upset, but just kept telling myself, it's okay. It will work out.  We test drove several other ones, and finally came to agreement (much to my surprise) on one we both liked. We walked inside, ready to execute the paperwork only to learn that the van sold while we were test driving it. Really? After that, everything we looked at just seemed like a compromise, so we decided to wait until the dealership could obtain some new inventory.

I know what you are thinking. Why is she ranting about this? I do so only to say that sometimes, it seems like nothing in life ever goes our way. God knows I have felt like that for the last year. We can start to have a pity party (which is exactly what I did).  I even told Ben, "Why does this keep happening to us? Why is it that everything we want, we lose?"  Of course, it wasn't just about the van. In fact, truth be told, it probably had very little to do about the van and more to do with the loss of Cain.

But as I sat in church yesterday morning, I was reminded that we already have all we need thanks to God and his unfailing mercy.  Okay, so we don't have a new van...yet. But I am sure we will. We just have to be patient. And no, the thing I want most in the world - to have my other son here with me - will never happen, at least not on this earth.  But none of that really matters now. I can't change that he isn't here. I can't bring him back, no matter how much I want to, and I want to more than I have ever wanted anything. But what matters is that I will have everything I need one day. One day, I will hold Cain in my arms, and I will be able to tell him how much I love him. One day that tremendous sense of loss that I feel right now while be obsolete and replaced with unending happiness and joy.

So for now, I'll try to keep reminding myself that everything in this world is temporary. Sometimes I lose sight of that. I think we all do. The things of this world really don't matter in the grand scheme of things. It's not about what we have, but who we have. And as long as we have God, why should we worry about the rest?  Am I saying that I won't have those days again? Absolutely not. The disappointment, the hurt, the pain, the anxiety, the worry -- It's only part of living in the world. In fact, I spent most of yesterday morning crying in my office because I miss Cain. Even typing this, I have tears rolling down my face because I look at the picture of his sweet face, and I only want to hold him like I do Coop, to rock him to sleep at night, to kiss him and whisper in his ear that I love him so much.But I can't, right now.

One day I will be able to. One day I will have everything I need.