First of all, let me say that I am not writing this post to offend anyone. I simply want to make people aware of how our words and actions can hurt others. We are all guilty of this from time to time whether by accident or purpose. Please know that the individuals I speak of in the post are people that I didn't know well, not my family and friends. Each of you have been so supportive and diligent in your prayers and concern for me and my family. For that, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Tuesday, after waiting four months to go back to the salon, I walked in to see the friendly face of my wonderful stylist. As we played catch up about everything that has gone on since my last visit, she told me how she knew nothing she could say or do would make things better for me, but that she was so very sorry for what happened. Thinking back to that conversation now, I wish I could introduce her to other people who have experienced a similar loss to mine because I am sure they too would find her words comforting and most of all, genuine.
With her words, though nothing extravagant, no over-the-top sentiment, she did the one thing that many people fail to do in their condolences. She acknowledged my child as a person, a person that was just as important as any other person. How? She didn't try to dismiss what happened to me by saying that it was "for the best" or "you'll have another baby, just give it time." With her simple statement, she let me know that what we all already know. No, there is nothing you can say to make things better for someone who has lost a child. And being insensitive is the last thing that person needs. So by simply saying that she didn't know what to say, she said everything. I realize that may seem confusing, but to me, it makes perfect sense. Hopefully, it will to you, too.
Choosing Your Words Carefully
You see, during my loss, I have experienced hurtful comments, as I am sure other mothers in my situation have, and although I don't believe the intent of the speaker's words was to harm me, that's exactly what they did.
Telling a woman who has just lost her child that "there was probably something wrong anyway" which is usually accompanied by "it's for the best" isn't exactly consoling. Those words are the worst for me, like nails on a chalkboard that make every inch of my skin crawl. Of course there was something wrong. Do you think I don't know that? That's why my child isn't here, but that doesn't mean I didn't want him or that his life was any less valuable than yours or mine. I wouldn't care. I would still love him, and I would still love to have him here.
Almost as bad is the phrase, "It's okay. You'll have other children." Um, no. It's not okay. I don't know if we will have other children. I really hope we do, but by saying that, you are implying that this next child will take the place of the one that I lost which simply isn't the case. Yes, I probably will go on to have other children, hopefully at least one more, but no matter how many I have, Cain will always be missing. There is no replacing him. Again, I realize the sentiment here with this phrase is that life will go on, and in time, after we have other children, there is the idea that the hurt will fade. But if you have ever lost a child, whether miscarriage, stillbirth, perinatal loss or later in life, you know that nothing - NOTHING - can or will ever fill that void. You just have to learn to function with a piece of your heart missing because no matter what you try to fill it with, it will always only want to love the child you lost.
I could go on and on, from my personal experience and from other stories that other mothers have told me. The point of this is to chose your words carefully, not only in this type of situation, but in all situations. Stop and think about things before you allow yourself to speak the words. Think about if your words could be seen as hurtful or insincere. If they could, the come up with something different, or even better, say what my stylist and friend said to me. I promise that the individual to whom you are speaking will not be offended. Like me, they will probably find it comforting that you didn't try to minimize their pain.
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