However, in the passing weeks, something just didn't feel right to me. I had noticed an increase in my size. I know what you are thinking. You are supposed to gain weight when you are pregnant! But it wasn't just that. Despite my husband telling me that I looked fine, I felt like I was 8 months along and ready to give birth. I started comparing pictures to when I was pregnant with my first child. I was noticeably bigger, but I chalked it up to this being my second pregnancy. After all, I had always heard things are different the second time around.
On September 30th at 5:30 a.m., I awoke to slight contractions. This wasn't anything abnormal for me considering the additional weight caused by the fluid. However, within the next 30 minutes, I knew these were different.Within the hour, I was moved to Labor and Delivery in an effort to try to stop the rapidly progressing contractions. After several hours of magnesium sulfate, it was evident the contractions were not stopping, and that Cain was on his way. I was terrified. Not only was I worried about my unborn son's health issues, but my blood pressure was bottoming out. Everything was so different from my first delivery. I honestly kept thinking, "What if I don't make it? What if I never see Coop or Ben or Cain?" I just kept praying for God to keep us all safe. I finally was stable enough to go to the OR.
|Cain at birth|
The nurses sped down the halls with me on the stretcher, Ben following close behind. Their only mission was to get us to our son. As I came through the doors of the NICU, I saw him, our precious baby that we had to meet and say goodbye to in the same instant, the brother we had prepared our son for over the past 7 months. Now everything came down to this moment, the moment I had dreaded from the time we first thought something might be wrong. He looked perfect. Absolutely and utterly perfect. His problems present within his tiny body were not reflected in his beautiful face and body. And all I could say, "I love you. We love you. Coop, your brother, loves you. I am so sorry that I let you down. And I promise I will see you again someday. I'll do whatever it takes, and I'll see you again someday." And as Ben and I held our son, we cried. For all we were losing, for all that we had hoped, for all that might have been. And we said goodbye and placed our son in God's eternal hands.
Moments later, we asked Mishella, one of the hospital chaplains and a huge part of my support system over the past few weeks in the hospital, to baptize Cain. She had prayed with me earlier when Ben was taken to NICU to see Cain, and now, she prayed with us, and read the 23rd Psalm as we released Cain's soul to our heavenly Father.
|Cain's Memorial Candle|