I can hardly believe we are here. Last Friday, we welcomed the son we have been waiting for over the past nine months. It was honestly one of the happiest and terrifying moments of my life. Just knowing how much can go wrong steals the innocence that I enjoyed during Coop's arrival into this world. Still, I had a peace about Casen's arrival, one that I am certain only comes from God. And just as everyone had assured me, he arrived healthy and screaming, undoubtedly one of the best sounds I have ever heard. When I heard those little lungs wailing at their entrance into this massive world, I knew these past nine months of worry and sleepless nights were all completely worth it. Happy doesn't begin to describe how I felt.
It's amazing how much can change in a year. Thinking back to this time last year, I was a complete wreck, still shock, numb and reeling from the loss of our son, Cain, at 30 weeks into our pregnancy. I was hurting more than I ever have in my life, a hurt unlike any I had ever experienced, and I honestly thought my life would never have any semblance of normalcy again. I didn't want to do anything. I had to force myself to function, to muddle through the daily activities of life, in order to keep our two year old son from sensing just how much I was hurting. I never thought we would be where we are now, welcoming home our newest addition, our third son, Casen, to our family and just in time for Christmas. What a long road this has been and my, how far we have come.
Let there be no mistake. The pain from losing Cain, the ache to hold him and see him, to know how his face would light up to see all the presents and how his little hand would reach for all those breakable ornaments on the tree - that hasn't gone away. In a way, it's more intense this year because the fog of grief in which I functioned last year has lifted. This year, the pain is raw and real, and I feel Cain's absence more than ever. I look at the mantle and immediately notice his stocking is not there nor will it ever be.I look at his new brother and see the resemblance staring back at me and my heart, though happy, still bares the heavy weight of loss. I watch Coop interact with his new little brother, see how proud he is to have him here, and it makes me sad that he never had that opportunity with Cain.
I hope that these sentiments aren't mistaken by anyone reading this as ungrateful. Believe me, I can't begin to put into words how thankful I am for Casen, for his health, that he is finally here, safe and sound in my arms. But every time I look at Casen, I am reminded of Cain, of all of things that didn't go right, of all of the things we didn't get to do and will never do with him, and it makes me appreciate both of my children even more. It's as if Cain consistently reminds me how thankful I should be for my boys, so in a way, he is always here with me.
And though I don't know the sound of Cain's voice, I know it is he that whispers in my ear as I look at my two other children. It is he telling me to be thankful for them and to enjoy this precious new life God has entrusted us with.
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