If These Walls Could Talk

Worry About Tomorrow

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry 
about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.  Matthew 6:34

I think I had been worrying about our nuchal screen since the moment we decided we wanted to have another baby.  If you have ever lost a child, then you know better than I could ever explain the worry and the fear that instantly arrives at your door the moment you find out you are pregnant after that loss. It is so vastly different from the normal worry that goes along with pregnancy.  It is a thousand steps beyond that - okay, a million steps beyond that. Of course, there is excitement, but within the excitement lies an air of caution, as if you can't fully inhale and exhale as you should because you are scared of what will happen next.  It is not, as the saying goes, waiting for the other shoe to drop; it is the fear that it will. And we all know what a horrible creature fear can be.

Of course, our fears and worries were eased after our appointment a few weeks ago.  The happiest words I heard that day were, "This baby has a normal NT." I can't even begin to tell you what a relief that was.  Without even realizing it, I started to sob, but for the first time in a very long time, they were tears of joy, not sadness and loss.  I had been praying every day to hear those words, but until that moment, I didn't realize how scared I still was that something might be wrong in this pregnancy. I can't tell you how many times we have heard the odds reiterated to us. "It is highly unlikely that anything like this will ever happen again,"  but see, that's what I thought with Cain. The more the numbers stacked against us, the more I comforted myself with statistics. The only problem was we were the statistic.  I know the doctors are simply trying to reassure us that everything will be okay, but there comes a point when no amount of published research, doctors opinions or comments from others who have walked the same path you are on, really makes a difference anymore. It's that point when you realize you have to let go and let God handle it. Worry about the past won't change it; worry about tomorrow won't change it either.  You have to force yourself to be in the present, to live in the present.

Over the past few months of this pregnancy, I have worried about every move I made, so paranoid that one wrong step would lead us back to a road I never want to travel again. I have worried about every pain I felt even though I knew in the back of mind it was normal. I have worried about every pill I had to take even though I knew it really wouldn't hurt anything.  You name it; I have worried about it. Over the past few weeks, however, I am realizing that worry, my life-long companion, doesn't need to be my companion through this pregnancy.  I need to enjoy this wonderful blessing God has given me and trust him to take care of the rest.  After all, he's already brought us through so much, and he certainly won't abandon us now -- or ever. 

Tomorrow will be nine months since Cain left us, and I still miss him as much as I ever have. While I am so thankful for this new, precious miracle God has given us, I still long to hold the one child that I don't have with me. However, I know one day that will be possible. Until then, I have to enjoy what I do have here with me, my wonderful son, Cooper, and this precious new life inside of me.

Yes, I look forward to this wonderful journey that spans before us and realize that more worry will only steal the wonder from it. Instead, I am simply going to be happy. Happy and very, very thankful for today and the tomorrow yet to come.