Six Months without A Piece of My Heart

 

"I Will Carry You" by Selah

Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will

 sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; 

I will sustain you and I will rescue you.  - Isaiah 46:4

Wow. I almost can't believe I am here.  Tomorrow will mark six months since we said goodbye to our son, Cain.  There were days, hours, minutes that I thought I would never make it to this day because I was sure the grief was going to consume all of me and leave me only a shell of a person.  Yes, there are some days I do still feel like that, but on those days I am reminded that He is carrying me, as He has, as He always will, and most importantly, He is carrying Cain now.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about Cain. I look at Coop and think of the hopes and dreams I had for the two of them, together, only to be forced into the realization that will never happen.  It makes me sad, but I have finally reached that place where I can cry, let it out, and feel a little better.  A little. I don't think my heart will ever be 100% again. I just don't know how it can be.  

I still can't let myself think back too much about this time six months ago because it makes my heart hurt too much. Despite 6 months having passed, there is still a part of that pain that is very raw, and when it is touched by a memory, especially those of that day, it causes that unspeakable hurt to course through every part of me. Still, in the above song by Selah, I am reminded that though I no longer physically carry Cain, I will carry him with me for the rest of my life. The blessing is that God carries him now because I cannot.

For that reason, I can smile through the flood of tears.

(For more information on the song above and the story behind it, please visit Angie Smith's blog, Bring the Rain.)