What a journey this year has been. When I think back to this time last year, I was busy making new year's resolutions that I would all too soon break. I had no idea the plans God had in store for my life. I never dreamed that I would be pregnant with my second child, my second son. If someone could have told me that within this year, I would become pregnant, spend months worrying about the state of my unborn child's health, spend weeks in the hospital trying to prevent his premature arrival, only to be forced to hand him over to God, I would have said, "Not me. That can't be right." And yet, that is exactly what happened. That, and so much more.
I wasn't planning to have another child, but more than that, I certainly hadn't expected to say goodbye to him. Because of a congential malformation, my son suffered from tracheal atresia, which resulted in the end of his life here on Earth. I never expected God to use my son's death to bring me closer to Him, but that is exactly what He did. In this year, I have learned that sometimes God allows us to be stubborn, to think we have things under control, to wander trying to fix things all on our own, only to bring us back to the reality that we control nothing. Sometimes it takes a life altering event to realize how much we need God in our lives. Our lives are fleeting, and we are not promised the next day, the next hour, the next minute. Only by His grace do we live, and as Christians we know that dying is part of truly living.
Death, in our mortal bodies, is seldom welcome. When I watched my son take his last breaths in my arms, I didn't welcome it, and I know God didn't expect me too. No, with every breath I took, I begged, I pleaded for God to intervene. He chose not to, and as a result, I experienced a pain I would never wish any person to endure. But with Cain's death, came a death of my own - the death of my old self - and I have to believe that was part of God's great plan in allowing my son to spend only moments with me here on Earth. I truly believe that He is using Cain's life and death to mold me into the person He has known I could be all along, the person I thought was only a memory, to touch the lives of others who have experienced similar pain and loss. And He has given me an even greater incentive to be a better person, a better Christian - to know that I will see my son again in Heaven. And until then, He is holding Cain - no pain, no suffering, no tests, no tubes - just perfect, unexplainable peace. What more could I want for my child?
Of course, I wish Cain could be here with me, with us, with his earthly family, but I know he will be one day. Until then, we have to make our time here count. It is vital that we walk away from this tragedy of losing our son with a desire to help others who are lost to God's love and forgiveness because that is the only thing that can really save any of us. Doctors, the specialists, the nurses, can do every thing in their power to bring about the healing and change we so desire, but only God knows that outcome. He predicted it long before the world came to be. And He knows exactly how that outcome will go on to effect and change the lives of others around us. Yes, God's plan for our lives is supreme. Even if we don't understand it, we must accept it because it falls into His master plan, and someday, our pain and suffering will all make perfect sense.
So as I sit here and try to scribble down resolutions for the coming year, I can think of only one. That God take me and use me and my life as He deems fit for His master plan. Come heartache and pain, sunshine and rain, He will be there, this year, and all the years of our lives. And though we may not understand all that this coming year holds for each of us, we can rest assured that nothing that happens is a surprise to Him. He'll be there walking with us. If He's not, then know that He is carrying you, just as He has me, throughout this year.
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