Hard Days Ahead

“Weeping is not the same thing as crying, It takes your whole body to weep, and when it's over, you feel like you don't have any bones left to hold you up."- Sarah Ockler

Yesterday was a hard day for me. It was my first full day back at work since we said goodbye to Cain. The last time I completed this routine of getting up early, working all day and picking Coop up from daycare, I was still very pregnant and thinking everything was going to be okay with Cain. How soon that all changed.  

I had expected when I took Coop back to daycare after my maternity leave to be taking a new baby with me, to be dealing with the emotions of leaving a newborn and a 2 year old after my time home bonding with them. I knew it would be hard. I just never anticipated this scenario, and I never dreamed it was be this hard.  Today I left Coop but no new baby brother. I walked away glad that Coop wasn't crying for me, but inside, my heart was crying. Crying because I had to leave Coop after being with him for so long. Crying because there is no newborn infant seat in my car. Instead, it is tucked away in the basement, out of sight.  Crying because no matter how many more children we have that space where Cain would have been will always, always be empty.

Now I am back at work, but nothing about me is the same. I had expected to be back at this desk with tons of pictures to show of my precious new little one and his proud big brother. Instead, I only have one picture that I can put on my desk, and I can't bring myself to do that yet.   Instead, I have stories of Coop telling me that "Cain is in heaven and he's walking around,"  because that is what he tells me all the time.  That Cain is walking.  Coop even asked me last week if we could go see Cain.  I had to explain that one day we could but not today. Not any time soon.  That right now, Cain is with Jesus until we can see him again.  And when we say Coop's prayers at night and I tell him that we have to thank Jesus for all he has given us, Coop says, "Cain's with him," and my heart breaks all over again. Yes, I am happy my son is heaven, but I am sad, as any parent in my situation would be, that he's not with me.   And so I sit at my desk, and I cry...again.

I cry knowing these tears are part of the healing process, part of this indescribable grief for the loss of my son. I cry because these tears are cleansing and healing and letting go of what cannot be. But most importantly, I weep because within these tears are love - unexplainable love for my son that will always be.

Yes, right now, it's hard to imagine a day without tears.

Without crying.

Without weeping.