Just Getting Through Today

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I just kept thinking, "God, please let me get through today."  It seemed as though every thought I had was filled with “what if.” Logically, I knew it wasn’t good to think like that because I can’t turn back time, but I couldn’t seem to shut off my mind. I watched Coop playing and found myself on the verge of tears thinking of the brother he would never know, thinking of all the things I would never be able to do with Cain. My heart ached, and every few minutes, I found myself fighting back tears.

I finally regained some composure after the tenth breakdown, and my phone rang. It was our specialist telling me that the last of our test results were in. They were, of course, normal as well meaning that there had been no syndrome present, no chromosomal abnormality. She reiterated to me that this was an isolated event, that something had happened early in development with Cain’s system that wouldn’t allow him to breathe as he should. She assured me that if we wanted to have other children, there should be no problem. I know that should have brought me some comfort, but it didn’t. Not at the moment, anyway. So what if we could have other children. That wouldn’t replace the one we just lost, the one I got to hold only a moment just to let go.

As night fell, I was even more upset. I was so tired, but dreading sleep because I knew it would only end with me waking in a panic state. Ben went to put Coop to bed, and I decided to pray. Nothing else I was doing was working. I prayed for God to give me some comfort, to help me shut off my mind to the thoughts I was having - overwhelming sadness, guilt, anger - and so much more.  I told him thank you for holding my son when I could not. And I told Him I didn’t understand why.  Then it hit me. Here I was only focusing on all of the bad in our situation.  Hadn’t the doctor told me we could have other children? Wasn’t that a blessing in itself? How many people find that they aren’t able to have children?   And wasn’t our child, our precious Cain, sitting with God now? And did God not understand my pain? Of course he did. He watched his only son die to save a world of people who didn’t deserve it. Of course he understood my pain, and I realized that he’ll get me through it, even on days when I think I can’t make it. Days like today.
 

I look at Coop, watch him playing, and wonder how people get through this without another child at home. Coop is such a blessing always, but especially, right now. He knows just when I am feeling down without me saying a word, and I find him sitting beside me, giving me an emotional boost that only he can give me. He melts my heart when he tells me he loves me. And I see the effect all of this has had on him. He doesn’t want to let me out of his sight. He constantly says, “Momma, you not sick, you not gonna leave,” because he needs the assurance that I will be here. And I will.

Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since we said goodbye to Cain and my heart still aches as much as ever, and I know there will never be a day when I don’t miss him, but I have to go on, we have to go on for Coop because he deserves the best of us, not what’s left after the sorrow. I have to remind myself that even though I want Cain here, I know he’s in a far better place, and I will see him again one day.  It doesn't make it easy, but it does give me comfort, and right now, comfort is not easily found.