Well, today marks three weeks in the hospital and three weeks since I have walked through the doors of my home. While I know and realize this has been time well spent, I can't help missing giving Coop a bath or watching him fall fast asleep in his blue car bed after he says his version of his prayers. Although I realize this is where I need to be for now, it sure doesn't make it easy.
The past few days have also been some of the toughest yet here. After a weekend of meds in an attempt to reduce my fluid, we found the opposite had occurred, my fluid being at 43 on Monday and Tuesday, the highest yet. The increased fluid so far has caused my contractions to increase and has made it hard for me to breathe or get comfortable. The doctors have been reluctant to do a therapeutic amnio because they are afraid it will only cause more irritation to my uterus and thus cause the contractions to progress. However, another round of indocin isn't an option right now because it could cause more harm than good. The doctors do not like to prescribe it after 32 weeks, so it really is becoming less of option in the near future. At this point, I am just praying they proceed with the amnio so that I can get some relief, and honestly, I don't want another round of the indocin even if it is possible. It didn't prove effective after the last dose, and I don't want the added risk to Cain.
The doctor also mentioned yesterday getting me to a point where my regular OB/GYN feels comfortable with me delivering at the other branch of the hospital if I do go home for bed rest. When I arrived at the hospital, 32 weeks was my magic number, but now, I don't know, and I am afraid to get my hopes up. Still I plan to inquire about this tomorrow. I know the doctors are still concerned that there is a blockage somewhere in Cain's digestive system, so that is reason for more caution. As for our microarray test, the doctor said today, after speaking with the lab, that we may hopefully have results by the end of the week. The Noonan's Syndrome test will be at least next week because it takes even longer. I am still praying that all of these test come back okay. The doctors have said if there is some problem with the digestive tract, there is a good chance it will be surgically fixable, so that makes me feel better. They seem to think this is the most logical scenario for the fluid being high. If this is the case, we will not know until Cain is born. Still, I know God has the power to change things, so I ask that everyone continue to be diligent in prayer for us.
I can also tell all of this is starting to take a toll on Coop. Until recently, he hasn't been crying when he leaves me, only just a little sad. However, today when he left, he did get upset. He kept telling my parents that he didn't give Momma a kiss bye. They repeatedly brought him back to the door of my room so that he could get a hug and a kiss, but it was obvious he was just going to keep asking to come back as soon as they started down the hall. The last time, they didn't come back, and I stood at my door listening to my son cry, "I didn't give Momma a kiss. I didn't give Momma a kiss." My heart broke, and I started to sob uncontrollably, wishing I could make him understand that this only temporary, that I would NEVER leave him. I know that they eventually distracted him, but it still doesn't erase his little voice calling for me, and knowing that I could not follow. I just felt so utterly helpless. I know we'll get through this, but again, it doesn't make it easy.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better, and maybe tonight's sleep will prove restful. After all, I know we can get through this. I know I am not the first person to be in this situation, and I know I will be the last. I also continue to thank God because I know our situation could be worse. I just hate, as any caring parent does, to see their child hurting and not be the one to provide the comfort they need. Still, as much as I love Coop, so do I love Cain, and I know I have to do what's best for him, too. I can only pray for God to continue to give me strength to plunge ahead remembering that we have already come so far.